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2016-07-20 03:30 pm

[sticky entry] Sticky: So dreamwidth, huh?

Hi hello guten tag etc etc

My name's Cammie, and I am technologically challenged and thus have no idea how this site works, but I figured posting some sort of intro would be good? Basically I moved my butt on over to dreamwidth because currently, my main fandom haunt is tumblr, yet there have been rumors floating around that tumblr might be going down lmao, so I need to establish myself somewhere else before the Great Reckoning occurs.

I don't have much to say since basically anything and everything important about me is in my bio anyway, so. I just wanted to use this post as a platform to explain the whole "I am here because tumblr is dying" thing.

Honestly I like the format of dreamwidth way more than tumblr already and I have literally been here for only an hour. Only complaint thus far is that it appears actually finding other blogs to follow might be kind of difficult? I'm still not entirely sure how the search engine works and whatnot, but hopefully I'll figure it out eventually.

I anticipate posting a lot more on here than on my tumblr, since I use my tumblr primarily for sharing the works of others than my own personal works and opinions. I have a lot of words stored up, and this journal format seems like it's going to make a monster out of me in terms of just how many of those words I can fit into a single entry.

I am already looking forward to liveblogging stuff. I'm probably going to try my hand at liveblogging later this week, though it probably won't be the "usual" liveblogging, since I almost never watch anything exactly when it airs, lol. But you know. My journal my rules whatever.

K guess that's it? I'll put this as a sticky for awhile in case anyone actually does come read my journal and wants to know what it's about beyond the plethora of useless info on my bio.
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2016-09-24 01:55 pm
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2016-09-17 06:31 pm
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2016-09-16 10:01 pm

Disappointing, I Know

So I know I've been liveblogging Masterchef and I know the finale was this week, but spoiler alert, I already know who won and honestly don't feel like it'll be worth my time even watching the episode. So no liveblog from me, and I seriously don't even know if I'm going to continue watching this show in the future, because this season, from top 7 or so on, was pretty much just a joke. The show in general is too goddamn dramatic for a cooking show, and I'm tired of blatant favoritism.

But on the off-chance anyone was actually planning on reading my liveblog, I'll even spoil the winner for you under the cut. Apologies that I am now being the dramatic one.

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So. That's that, then. Again, I'm not sure if I'll even be watching Masterchef anymore, so there may be no more liveblogs of it from me (/cue absolutely no one caring), though I may liveblog Masterchef Junior when/if it comes on again. It's kind of hard for them to overdramatize a show with children on it, and it's rare any of the kids are jerks so overall it is a much more pleasant show to watch. :/

Bye for now. Time to go wallow in my disappointment (and celebrate the two hours of my life I have now freed up by making this decision).
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2016-09-10 08:22 pm

Love Live Sunshine Liveblog (Episode 11)

It took ALL DAY for me to find this episode of Sunshine posted online, and let me tell you, it was frustrating as heck. Normally it's always posted in the morning, but apparently, people were not on top of things this particular Saturday.

Anyway, it's posted now, so now I shall watch it! Spoilers under the cut!

Read more... )
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2016-09-10 11:30 am
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Apologies for the boring title, but this is going to be just a quick entry anyway.

As I'm sure you could've guessed, I have a question. Why is it that it's fairly common for people to get personally offended when others don't know about/like a particular genre of music? Or even just a specific band/artist?

Why is it that people are so uppity about, of all things, their music choices?

There are so many more important, relevant things to judge others for, or to be irritated about. I'm not going to get irritated if someone doesn't like the artists I like. Sure, I'd get mad if they were outright bashing them, but if they just weren't a fan of the music or if they had never heard any of the artist's songs before, who are they hurting?

This comes about from a multitude of experiences, but most recently, a friend of mine being mad at one of those "reaction" youtube videos of a bunch of kids watching a Metallica video. I only watched a little bit of it, and from the small amount I saw, it simply looked like the kids weren't fans of the type of music. Many of them didn't know who the band was.

Anyway, this friend of mine made an annoyed comment on how she couldn't believe how disrespectful the kids were being to the music and that she'd never raise her own kids to be like that.

Um. Okay? So apparently these kids are all little brats because they've never...heard Metallica?

Where the hell is this logic coming from, and why do so many people in the world subscribe to it?
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2016-09-08 07:12 pm
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Masterchef Liveblog (Season 7, Episode 17)

Well guess what I did end up wanting to watch this episode today, so yet again, two liveblogs in a row hella.

Spoilers under the cut.

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2016-09-08 05:47 pm
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Masterchef Liveblog (Season 7, Episode 16)

Well, I already see that there were two new episodes posted online since last week, and I'll tell you right now that I can't promise I'm going to liveblog them both tonight. I am tired and have other things I also want to do, and liveblogging makes it take ages to watch a single episode. But I will not give in and just watch an episode without liveblogging, lol.

I don't know why I'm bothering to say all that, but there you go.

Spoilers under the cut.

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2016-09-03 05:19 pm

Love Live Sunshine Liveblog (Episode 10)

Alright, wow, three liveblogs in one day but you know what it's not my fault I had to put off my Masterchef viewing until Saturday and it's not my fault that Sunshine comes out on Saturday so. (Plus I still stand by the opinion that no one reads my liveblogs anyway, so who is this really hurting? Only me, because I am wasting my own time.) Spoilers under the cut.

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2016-09-03 03:28 pm
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Masterchef Liveblog (Season 7, Episode 15)

I'm going to preface this with a disclaimer that I'm 99% sure Fox fucked up and posted this episode a week before they were supposed to, because even on the website itself it says the network air date for this is Sept 7. It is currently Sept 3. So if that is indeed true, I'd recommend not reading this, because the spoilers will be even more major than usual.

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2016-09-03 02:11 pm
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Masterchef Liveblog (Season 7, Episode 14)

Live from my brand new apartment, here's the Masterchef Liveblog that No One Cares About! Spoilers under the cut. (Also sorry that I'm writing this so late, on the very slim chance someone is reading this. I know the new episode came out four days ago, but I haven't had internet access since last Tuesday, so I had no means of watching it nor actually writing up the liveblog post. Oops.)

(Also apologies, as this entry likely won't be as detailed as the usual because I am extremely tired. I'm probably going to only put a few little comments interspersing my guesses as to the winners/losers. Also I didn't watch the preview to this episode, so I won't be basing any of my guesses on that so sorry if I make a stupid error that I could've avoided had I watched the preview.)

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2016-08-27 01:57 pm

Love Live Sunshine Liveblog (Episode 9)

(TBH I always forget that the new LL episode comes out on Saturdays and it hits me at such random times and then I'll get all excited and have to watch it immediately lol. I don't know why it's so hard for me to keep track of Saturdays.)

Spoilers under the cut!

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2016-08-24 08:59 pm
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2016-08-24 08:17 pm
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Masterchef Liveblog (Season 7, Episode 12)

So, fair warning. I won't be able to be as in-depth on this liveblog, since I'm watching this episode with my parents and thus won't be able to pause it to write things every few minutes. Since I do want to actually watch the show, I won't be able to comment on everything as a result.

With that out of the way, spoilers under the cut!

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2016-08-20 04:29 pm
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2016-08-19 08:10 pm
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My last day of work is tomorrow.

I've made it somewhat of a habit to wax poetic about this job on every "last day" I have, but this time is strangely different. This time, I don't feel like it's a true ending.

I don't know what it was about leaving all of the other four times that made me feel as if it was over. At least 2 of those four I had a guarantee that I'd be going back in the future, yet it was still sadder than it is now. Now that it really is an ending.

I've been told I have a full invitation to come back during my vacations, but the reality is that they are overstaffed as it is. I know there isn't going to be a place for me, and besides, I'll probably want to use my breaks spending time with my parents. It'll be hard enough being away from them for months on end while I'm in school.

I can't stay with my parents while I'm working this job.

Why then doesn't it feel like an ending? Maybe it's merely because I'll be going to school. The ending is so close to a beginning that the beginning is drowning everything else out.

Maybe it's because it's been made so clear to me that even if I never work here again, all my coworkers (save one) want to get updates from me on how and what I'm doing. It's not an ending, because I hope not to cut off all communication with my leaving.

My relationship with this job is a strange one. The circumstances surrounding me getting it were so perfect, so life-changing, so lucky that I have to wonder where I'd even be in life if it had not happened.

I'd known from a young age that I wanted to be a vet. From that young age, I never wavered in that goal, never second-guessed. Well, at least until 2 years ago when I started shadowing more seriously. Shadowing at an emergency clinic nearly turned me off to the profession. It was so different from the experiences I'd had up until then, and those experiences consisted almost entirely of shadowing my own grandfather at a private practice. It made me wonder if my grandpa's practice of one-of-a-kind. What if he was just old-fashioned and I was entering a profession that was vastly outpacing where I hoped to be? What if I was entering a profession that would require me to care more about money than the welfare of the animals?

I almost didn't shadow at my current workplace. I didn't want to deal with living away from my parents, didn't want to deal with having to contact people I didn't even know and risk embarrassment. But I panicked. I panicked thinking there was no way I'd be able to get all the shadowing hours I needed without that particular opportunity, and so I called them.

Even the initial phone call had been terrifying. The receptionist doesn't take any shit, and I was almost afraid my phone call wouldn't get past her. But it did.

I shadowed at my current job two days after shadowing at the emergency clinic. I was down, concerned, wondering for the first time in my life if maybe I needed to start considering an alternate career path. But then I spent a week shadowing one of the kindest, most selfless men I have ever met, and all my worries were wiped away.

It came at a time where I was questioning and removed any doubts I had. If anything had been different--if the manager had been as hard to get along with as everyone claimed he was (literally everyone hated him, but I loved working with him. I miss him now that he has retired, honestly), if the vet hadn't been so easy-going, if the technician hadn't been laid back and excited to teach...I might still have had doubts.

I do still have doubts, but they're now more about my own abilities rather than about the profession. I wonder if I'm good enough to succeed rather than if it's something I even want to do in the first place.

Things are different there now. There's a different technician, one that--if he had been working during that week of shadowing--would've increased my doubts. The original manager is gone now, replaced by two women related, in various ways, to the vet. I miss him, but both of these women have helped me just as much as he did. That receptionist who used to be so terrifying is still around, but now so is another girl who is precisely my age. It's strange not being the "baby" of the clinic anymore, but I love working with her all the same. If she weren't there, I wouldn't even have been hired back this summer, though I won't get into why that is. It isn't important.

I've had a chance to work with the relief vet, who is nearly the polar opposite of that kind, selfless vet who is normally there. It brought on new challenges, but built my confidence in new ways as well.

Two years ago, I was whining to my parents about how I was too nervous to give this clinic a call, too nervous to have to live out-of-state for even the smallest amount of time, too nervous too nervous too nervous.

Two years ago I was panicking about never getting enough experience to be admitted to vet school.

Two years ago I put aside the nerves, put aside the panic, and took a chance.

It was probably the greatest and most important decision I ever made.
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2016-08-13 02:43 pm

Love Live Sunshine Liveblog (Episode 7)

Hello friends bet you thought you got rid of me, huh? Well, you did not, and here is something significantly less depressing and weird than the things I posted earlier in the week! Spoilers under the cut.

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2016-08-09 09:58 pm

Ramblings of a crazy. Seriously.

I know, I know, two days in a row of depressing, slightly-scary nonsense, but once again, my head isn't right, and I have no one to talk to.

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2016-08-08 09:54 pm
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Time for some Teenage Angst

...Even though I'm not a teenager. This will be a short post because I really need to get to bed, but I also really need to just type this out somewhere okay I'm sorry.

So long story short, I dated my best friend for two and a half years. It was my senior year of high school + a year and a half of college. We roomed together in college for my entire time there, even after we broke up.

It was a messy break-up after a messy relationship, but I honestly considered her my best friend even afterwards. I mean, we had to be close to still room together after breaking up, right?

We were both abusive toward each other though, ngl. She was both physically and emotionally abusive while I was emotionally abusive. Though it was a weird dynamic, since we would both admit to being abusive (though she'd only admit to the physical part, probably because you can't really deny something like that), and I actively worked to change myself. And for the most part, I did change. At least by the time that we had broken up, I still had horrible moments of jealousy and anger regarding certain things she did, but I handled that by brooding for maybe five minutes and then moving on with my life. I knew I was being wrong and ridiculous, and I forced myself to stop.

I can't just turn off my own feelings of jealousy and anger, but I can control how I react outwardly and I thought I did well with it. For the most part, she agreed that I had managed to change myself, but for reasons I don't even fully understand (read: probably her emotional abuse, honestly), she decided it wasn't enough and she couldn't handle even being in contact with me. She informed of this in a skype message the day after I had moved out of my house to start my summer job (in a city I very much hate with a coworker I very much hate. It was already a stressful time, and then she decides to essentially break up with me again? Only in a worse way, since at least I still had her friendship after the first break up), telling me vaguely why it was happening and saying that she'd be unfollowing/unfriending/deleting me on every social media site where we had contact, and presumably my phone number as well (though there's no way I could find out if that's true) and that I'd be blocked if I ever tried to contact her again.

As if not blocking me in the first place is a mercy? Not when it comes with the condition that I will immediately and unquestionably be blocked if I ever speak to her again. It's essentially the same fucking thing, sorry. You're not being the "bigger person" by not blocking me, you moron.

But I digress. All this happened about 2 months ago, and I honestly thought I'd gotten over it. At least, I'd gotten over it as much as I possibly could until I could truly move on (read: find new friends, which isn't really possible until I go to school). I still had moments where I'd remember some stupid inside joke or personal meme or just something we both liked and got upset realizing that I'd likely never have that with another person. Our lives were so intertwined with each other that it's almost hard for me at points to even believe that I have a purpose anymore.

I never considered myself to be depressed, but I genuinely wonder if I am. Basically, I need a therapist/psychologist/psychiatrist/I don't even know but she majorly fucked me up in the head beyond what I was before her, and it sucks.

Again, I digress. The entire point of this is that I thought I was getting over it. I still have weird moments of "is it worth living" and times when I almost start crying because I remember a ship we were obsessed with or something else I loved that I shared with her or something we used to do together that we'll never be able to do again. But I stopped thinking about her every day. I haven't signed into skype once since she "broke up" with me. I haven't tortured myself going on her facebook page (okay, I went on it once, but it was only to try to figure out who her new girlfriend is out of curiosity. I like internet creeping on people when I'm bored, okay?). I still follow the one tumblr of hers that I know about, but I don't contact it, even anonymously. It's just sort of...there. She doesn't really use it, so it's not like it taunts me or anything, but it's the only link I still have to her, and she was such a huge part of my life for so long that it's hard to give up that single thing.

The only other link I have to her is our common friends. Being best friends means that we shared pretty much all our other best friends, but the group had a weird dynamic in that my ex and two other girls were the "best" friends and the rest of us, at least until she started dating me, were in the periphery. I think I knew in the back of my mind that if anything like this ever happened I'd lose those two other friends, but somehow it didn't fully occur to me until I saw a facebook post from the one girl that I'm still in contact with today.

Apparently those three got together at the 3rd girl's hometown last weekend. That hometown just so happened to be the place where I'm staying over the summer while working. Granted, I haven't been in solid contact with that 3rd girl, but I still thought we were friends. The girl I am still in contact with logically should've known I was in town and could've mentioned this and asked if they wanted to include me.

I know the world doesn't revolve around me. My point isn't that I'm mad I wasn't invited. My point is that I kind of knew that losing that one friend means I lose the rest of my friends (and it doesn't help that I am the worst at keeping in contact with people other than my ex, so really, why should they stay my friends? It's not like they owe me anything), and this was just proof of that. A really painful reminder that I am alone. I have 2 friends right now. Two. Friends. One of which I will likely never see again for various reasons and the other...I probably won't see for a long time because she's moving out of the country next week.

I've never been good at making friends, so this might just be it. My life might just be ending before it even begins because this piece of shit ex-girlfriend decided to fuck up both my life and my brain in one move.

And one of the worst things about this is that I have no one to talk to about it. I have my parents, but they don't know I even dated this girl--I never explicitly told them I'm bi, and I don't really intend to. I don't think I'm ever going to date another girl, because she kind of ruined girls for me. I know that's a stupid way to think about it, but I genuinely have not been attracted to another girl since her, and I have been attracted to boys, so...Maybe I'm less bi than I thought, or maybe I'm just ruined for girls now. I'll probably never know.

But anyway, can't talk to my parents completely honestly because of that. And I don't want to talk to my two remaining friends about it. The one moving out of the country has been privy to the GF drama for longer than I'd care to admit, and I'm tired of using her as a therapist. She doesn't deserve that. It's not fair to her, and I'm sure she'll eventually notice that the times that I talk to her the most are the times when I'm angsting over something, so I need to stop doing it.

The other friend is the exact opposite. I am out of contact with him for very long periods of time, and whenever I am in contact, I am nothing but peppy and cheerful. I don't want to risk losing him by showing him a darker side of myself and it being too much for him to handle, especially since he does have depression and struggles with a lot of things himself.

So I'm stuck. I'm just counting down the days until I go off to school and praying that I've improved at making friends in the past few months. And thanking god that I work with the people that I do, because minus that one coworker I don't get along with, the people I work with are lifesavers. I don't know what I would've done this summer if I weren't here with them.

(apologies for typos. Usually I read through my posts before actually posting them, but it's late and I need to go to bed so this one is going up unedited. Not that anyone reads these anyway, but you know. Just in case.)
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2016-08-06 02:55 pm
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2016-08-04 06:54 pm

Masterchef Liveblog (Season 7, Episode 11)

Whoa, dude, two liveblogs in a row? Well, blame Fox for airing two episodes on the same day. No way am I waiting to watch an episode of Masterchef, so here we go. Spoilers under the cut, of course.

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