Aug. 8th, 2016

benevolentspectre: (Default)
...Even though I'm not a teenager. This will be a short post because I really need to get to bed, but I also really need to just type this out somewhere okay I'm sorry.

So long story short, I dated my best friend for two and a half years. It was my senior year of high school + a year and a half of college. We roomed together in college for my entire time there, even after we broke up.

It was a messy break-up after a messy relationship, but I honestly considered her my best friend even afterwards. I mean, we had to be close to still room together after breaking up, right?

We were both abusive toward each other though, ngl. She was both physically and emotionally abusive while I was emotionally abusive. Though it was a weird dynamic, since we would both admit to being abusive (though she'd only admit to the physical part, probably because you can't really deny something like that), and I actively worked to change myself. And for the most part, I did change. At least by the time that we had broken up, I still had horrible moments of jealousy and anger regarding certain things she did, but I handled that by brooding for maybe five minutes and then moving on with my life. I knew I was being wrong and ridiculous, and I forced myself to stop.

I can't just turn off my own feelings of jealousy and anger, but I can control how I react outwardly and I thought I did well with it. For the most part, she agreed that I had managed to change myself, but for reasons I don't even fully understand (read: probably her emotional abuse, honestly), she decided it wasn't enough and she couldn't handle even being in contact with me. She informed of this in a skype message the day after I had moved out of my house to start my summer job (in a city I very much hate with a coworker I very much hate. It was already a stressful time, and then she decides to essentially break up with me again? Only in a worse way, since at least I still had her friendship after the first break up), telling me vaguely why it was happening and saying that she'd be unfollowing/unfriending/deleting me on every social media site where we had contact, and presumably my phone number as well (though there's no way I could find out if that's true) and that I'd be blocked if I ever tried to contact her again.

As if not blocking me in the first place is a mercy? Not when it comes with the condition that I will immediately and unquestionably be blocked if I ever speak to her again. It's essentially the same fucking thing, sorry. You're not being the "bigger person" by not blocking me, you moron.

But I digress. All this happened about 2 months ago, and I honestly thought I'd gotten over it. At least, I'd gotten over it as much as I possibly could until I could truly move on (read: find new friends, which isn't really possible until I go to school). I still had moments where I'd remember some stupid inside joke or personal meme or just something we both liked and got upset realizing that I'd likely never have that with another person. Our lives were so intertwined with each other that it's almost hard for me at points to even believe that I have a purpose anymore.

I never considered myself to be depressed, but I genuinely wonder if I am. Basically, I need a therapist/psychologist/psychiatrist/I don't even know but she majorly fucked me up in the head beyond what I was before her, and it sucks.

Again, I digress. The entire point of this is that I thought I was getting over it. I still have weird moments of "is it worth living" and times when I almost start crying because I remember a ship we were obsessed with or something else I loved that I shared with her or something we used to do together that we'll never be able to do again. But I stopped thinking about her every day. I haven't signed into skype once since she "broke up" with me. I haven't tortured myself going on her facebook page (okay, I went on it once, but it was only to try to figure out who her new girlfriend is out of curiosity. I like internet creeping on people when I'm bored, okay?). I still follow the one tumblr of hers that I know about, but I don't contact it, even anonymously. It's just sort of...there. She doesn't really use it, so it's not like it taunts me or anything, but it's the only link I still have to her, and she was such a huge part of my life for so long that it's hard to give up that single thing.

The only other link I have to her is our common friends. Being best friends means that we shared pretty much all our other best friends, but the group had a weird dynamic in that my ex and two other girls were the "best" friends and the rest of us, at least until she started dating me, were in the periphery. I think I knew in the back of my mind that if anything like this ever happened I'd lose those two other friends, but somehow it didn't fully occur to me until I saw a facebook post from the one girl that I'm still in contact with today.

Apparently those three got together at the 3rd girl's hometown last weekend. That hometown just so happened to be the place where I'm staying over the summer while working. Granted, I haven't been in solid contact with that 3rd girl, but I still thought we were friends. The girl I am still in contact with logically should've known I was in town and could've mentioned this and asked if they wanted to include me.

I know the world doesn't revolve around me. My point isn't that I'm mad I wasn't invited. My point is that I kind of knew that losing that one friend means I lose the rest of my friends (and it doesn't help that I am the worst at keeping in contact with people other than my ex, so really, why should they stay my friends? It's not like they owe me anything), and this was just proof of that. A really painful reminder that I am alone. I have 2 friends right now. Two. Friends. One of which I will likely never see again for various reasons and the other...I probably won't see for a long time because she's moving out of the country next week.

I've never been good at making friends, so this might just be it. My life might just be ending before it even begins because this piece of shit ex-girlfriend decided to fuck up both my life and my brain in one move.

And one of the worst things about this is that I have no one to talk to about it. I have my parents, but they don't know I even dated this girl--I never explicitly told them I'm bi, and I don't really intend to. I don't think I'm ever going to date another girl, because she kind of ruined girls for me. I know that's a stupid way to think about it, but I genuinely have not been attracted to another girl since her, and I have been attracted to boys, so...Maybe I'm less bi than I thought, or maybe I'm just ruined for girls now. I'll probably never know.

But anyway, can't talk to my parents completely honestly because of that. And I don't want to talk to my two remaining friends about it. The one moving out of the country has been privy to the GF drama for longer than I'd care to admit, and I'm tired of using her as a therapist. She doesn't deserve that. It's not fair to her, and I'm sure she'll eventually notice that the times that I talk to her the most are the times when I'm angsting over something, so I need to stop doing it.

The other friend is the exact opposite. I am out of contact with him for very long periods of time, and whenever I am in contact, I am nothing but peppy and cheerful. I don't want to risk losing him by showing him a darker side of myself and it being too much for him to handle, especially since he does have depression and struggles with a lot of things himself.

So I'm stuck. I'm just counting down the days until I go off to school and praying that I've improved at making friends in the past few months. And thanking god that I work with the people that I do, because minus that one coworker I don't get along with, the people I work with are lifesavers. I don't know what I would've done this summer if I weren't here with them.

(apologies for typos. Usually I read through my posts before actually posting them, but it's late and I need to go to bed so this one is going up unedited. Not that anyone reads these anyway, but you know. Just in case.)

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Cammie

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