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[personal profile] benevolentspectre
I know, I know, two days in a row of depressing, slightly-scary nonsense, but once again, my head isn't right, and I have no one to talk to.


I think I might be dissociating, but I can't tell. The problem with me being who I am and having the family that I do is that I distrust everything that happens to me mentally. Am I really depressed or am I being dramatic? Am I having a genuine panic attack or am I just trying to forcibly gain control of the situation? Am I really dissociating or am I looking for an excuse to beg attention?

And it always comes back to that: Either drama or attention. It doesn't matter how real it feels to me, how much it seems like my brain doesn't belong to me anymore. I can't share that with anyone, because it isn't real to anyone else.

I don't feel "right." That's the only way I can come up with to properly describe it. In the past, I've told people I feel "sideways," and that still somewhat applies, but I think I'm both sideways and slightly to the left. Or maybe I'm just to the left and not sideways at all. I'm still in control of myself, but nothing around me is correct. I'm not correct. Maybe I've never been correct and I'm only now noticing it.

I think I'm not actually sideways. When I've felt sideways before, it's always come with the feeling of looking up or a strange dizziness or everything looking brighter, and other than the wrongness, everything seems normal. Normal, but wrong.

It's like...my mind is constantly tripping and falling. My body is balanced perfectly, posture perfect, balance perfect, strength perfect. My mind is the opposite. If there were a personification of my mind following me around all day in the form of an invisible spirit...I feel like my consciousness is currently that rather than my body.

My breath keeps catching just under my chin. Still in my body, but I mean. The throat right under my chin is where it's getting stuck.

Nothing matters, yet somehow, everything does.

I'm not good enough.

I'm not worth anything.

I don't deserve what I have.

No one deserves to have to put up with me.

But I'm too scared to remove myself. Lack of control scares me more than anything, closely followed by the unknown. Maybe they're even tied. I've never tried to rank my fears before, but I know they both beat out "spiders" by a landslide, and "diseases" by significantly less.

I think I fear mortality most. I fear how fragile a body is. How easily it is to kill a living thing from both outside and in. Your body is your salvation, the only thing keeping you alive, but how quickly it can turn against you in the right (or wrong) circumstances.

I know my flaws, but my mind doesn't let me correct them. It doesn't let me apologize to someone if I don't like them and don't genuinely feel as if I have done wrong. It doesn't let me treat someone I don't like with respect. My way of coping with anger could rival that of a toddler's, and I don't know why. It's not as if it's my parents' fault, since they seemed to raise my sister just fine.

There's just something wrong with me.

I didn't mature the way I was supposed to. Or maybe I'm just keeping myself back because I'm nasty and spoiled and awful. It's no wonder I have no friends. It's no wonder even my family wants nothing to do with me. I chase everyone away because I am unapologetically myself and "myself" is horrible and useless.

The only thing I have going for me is my intelligence, and what is that, really? My anticipatory skills are great enough that people have implied I can read minds. I'm efficient. I can pick up new skills quickly and with little training. I can jump from task to task without making mistakes when I am in the right mindset. I like learning "why" more than "what."

But what if I'm losing this? What if I'm losing my competency and my memory? My intelligence. What's left?

Because I can feel thoughts, memories, talent dripping from my skull like water from a leaky faucet and there's nothing I can do to stop it. I've ruined myself through focusing more on tv and video games than any decent hobbies. And now not only have I lost the capacity to learn and retain information, I've also lost any interest in anything.

What do people talk about anyway? There's only so far I can live on telling people stupid stories about what's happened to me at school or work. But my only interest lays in fictional characters. More specifically, fictional couples. Useless useless. No one wants to know, no one wants to hear it.

But anything else would require research, lying, boredom.

I want to care about something. I can't remember a time that I have cared about something insubstantial like a hobby. I'm not sure if I have the capability anymore.

And I can't care for other people because I care too much. I drive people away, smother them, or simply drop them when they irritate me. There is no middle ground--it's either too much or not enough and the people in my life don't deserve either option.

I have the day off work tomorrow and I'm dreading it. Days off always lead to too much thinking which leads to panic and stress and I don't want it. Work is stressful too, but at least it occupies my mind. I don't have time to think of the uselessness of myself while I'm working, but it's all too easy to get lost in the labyrinth of my own mind when I'm stuck in the house with nothing to occupy my thoughts but my own failings.

I need to talk, but there's no one to talk to. I'm wrong. Incorrect. Normal, but different. Inhuman.

Wrong.
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Cammie

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